like a scarlet letter

So, I gave up. I was trying to fashion a little "about me" section but after my 5th or 6th re-write, I concluded that I could not possibly get all of the "about me" info. into one neat little paragraph. So, I guess here goes; my first blog post...
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Let's just say my name is "B" (yes, a little anonymity in this world-wide web, at least to start!). I am 25 years old and while I closely follow way too many blogs for my own good, I always said I would never myself blog. Oh, how times change!
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Now, let's just get it out there... I am pregnant, and yes, unmarried. I know, I know. No, really, believe me, I do. I don't mean that, like, "I am pregnant and have no shame." - While I am, I do (have shame that is), and it has been a struggle, to put it mildly. I am just not sure it is the appropriate response to continually beat yourself up over something you did, regret, have asked and received forgiveness from, etc. Trust me, I have had enough people on the outside "beating me up" (figuratively, of course).
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Early on (and, well, come to think of it, even not so early on) I heard it all... You know, how my baby was a "mistake," my pregnancy "my fault" (as if it was a curse), and so on... Eh.
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To say the least, I know a thing or two about what people think. I also have/and am continuing to learn that people's judgments aren't fair, or right. I don't believe any child is a curse, regardless of the circumstances regarding conception, nor do I think that others should constantly weigh in on the unmarried gal/couple's decision regarding what to do. I can't begin to tell you how many people "weighing" in believed abortion was "the answer." Ironically, how many fellow Christians (but that is a whole other post). I am a total sinner (obviously!) but, I am a Christian. - Unmarried? Pregnant? A Christian? you ask? Why yes, I am...
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I think the "being a Christian" element has been the most interesting. I went to a Christian grade school, Christian college, and on and on. I know the "answers." I know the "right" and "wrong," and I have believed/been a Christian for years. I won't get into it all, but I have definitely had the hardest year of my life; all downs, few ups, and my faith has been challenged daily, and clearly, I have failed.
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Most recently, I have been and still am wearing my sexual sin like a scarlet letter for all to see, which has been such an interesting thing, in itself, since we don't usually have to live life that way, day in and day out. People judge. They do. And there isn't anything I can say about that, but I can't relay how much time I have spent these past several months looking for a safe place for my broken self to find forgiveness. - And no, not from God, He forgave me months ago, but from my friends. The irony is that we all sin; my mistakes are just obvious right now, where others just remain secrets. Kinda makes me wonder if we would all be so judgmental if we were all forced to wear our sins in such an obvious fashion? But again, that is a whole other post, for another time (I know, you can hardly wait, right?).
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Anyways, back to my immediate life... What could be more complicated than being a single, pregnant Christian? Well, just to cut right to it - A few months ago my little girl was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 and Holoprosencephaly. For the last few months, the Dr.'s have been pushing termination and have told me that my baby girl April will not live. I am not sure how even if that is true (her not making it down the road), is reason for terminating her life. She is here - heart beating, legs kicking, living, right now.
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I heard of a Trisomy diagnosis for the first time last year, and knowing about it distantly was close enough for me. I never could have forseen myself getting so acquainted with a similar reality just months later. And Holoprosencephaly? - I had never even heard of that and certainly was not prepared for this hands on lesson, but I wasn't given a choice either.
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I will be 33 weeks along tomorrow. The Dr.'s are surprised that my girl, April, has not already died inutero and he is constantly reminding me to monitor her movements. The things I have heard the last few months regarding her diagnosis and prognosis, are things no parent should ever have to hear, and any attempt to express what it is like, in mere words, is lacking.
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So here I sit this afternoon starting a blog... Don't ask me why; I actually don't know. I am not even sure all of what this blog will become, but I am going to try and document these days - The thoughts, the tears, the questions, maybe even the miracles. For now, I am just here, trying to breathe, knowing God has the final word, not Dr.'s. And with each kick I am reminded that life, (the sickest, the healthiest, the shortest, the longest) is always a blessing; never a curse. God does not punish people with babies (sorry, Mr. President, you got that wrong).