sunshine in the midst of the storm

I am not even sure what to say. I never thought people would even read this thing, and today, the response has been so overwhelming. I feel so, so blessed...
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I wasn't by my computer all morning, and when I came back to it and clicked refresh after lunch, to see if I had another comment or two, I had like 50... As I read through every one's kind words, I cried, I prayed, I smiled, and just felt so thankful, and so humbled. Thankful that people are praying for us. Humbled that my words could resonate with or touch others. Your responses left me speechless, and I saw God so clearly through your supporting words. Today, you were my sunshine. Thank you. It was just what I needed...
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Between last night and mid-day today, I had some really difficult hours. I didn't fall asleep until almost 5:00 a.m. and was up 2 hours later. My mind just wouldn't shut off, the fear just wouldn't go away, and sleep was just impossible, and subsequently my whole day, a little off.
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It really is a surreal thing to be in the midst of deep grief, but know that you are (most likely) just at the beginning. The whole process of "knowing" medical facts and carrying a kicking, living little girl, who is so alive today (but you do not know for how long) is indescribable. It is another surreal thing to have to balance your heart and mind between the practical and the miracle. I mean, I know miracles still happen, every day, but can I really hope one will happen here? to her? to me? Can I really place all my eggs in that basket? And reversely, can I believe strictly what the tests say? Can I go on about my days and nights, really believing this is it? Am I limiting (in my mind) what God is capable of? - The scenarios, the thoughts, the questions, the possibilities, the what if's... It is such a line to walk and so much to sort through; all so overwhelming.
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I know that God's plans are not always ours. I know, I know, I know that sometimes what is seemingly "best," or what seems like the "miracle" just isn't part of His plan. I don't understand His ways, but I don't have to. I know that this could in fact, be it. And that is, again, surreal. I try and prepare for that "worst case scenario," I try to prepare myself a little more every day, but when the day is done, and the lights go out, and my mind starts up even more, the realizations of my unpreparedness hit me so hard...
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At some point I do eventually fall asleep and the morning comes again, and I open my eyes and breathe as deep as I can; I watch my own chest rise and fall. And then I sit up slowly and look out the window and wait….I wait because what I have learned in all of this, is that I can't take on the day alone. I literally can't. I can't even get out of bed some mornings. So I wait for what I know to come. Despite all of my trips and falls, I know that God is here, even in this. It is so easy to feel that He isn't, or that He doesn't care (and believe me, I regularly battle those thoughts!), or that just because I hurt it is a bad thing. It is a bad thing, in regards to my feelings and the pain, but what it ultimately comes down to for me is this question. - Do I believe that God has plans for me and for my daughter, regardless of if April lives here, or goes home earlier than I would like? The answer is yes, I do.
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The last year and a half or so has been one raging storm for me. So much has happened and now this... No, it doesn't seem fair, it doesn't seem right, it seems all too much, but I do believe that this storm is God's place, and no mistake. That isn't easy to believe, and some days if I am honest, I don't want to be believe it. There has been a lot of pain, a lot of screaming, a lot of anger, a lot of sin, a lot of distrust, a lot of fear, a lot of blaming the last 15 months of my life, with so, so much of that being since April's diagnosis, but God has continually shown Himself to me.
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Of course there are still the days, and the nights, like last, in which I question "Why?" and blame... "Why are You doing this God?" ... "How can this possibly be Your plan?" ... You know, all the "Why did You?" ... "Why didn't You?" I felt like that last night. I felt like that this morning, but God changed that when I clicked refresh on my computer this afternoon to see my blog page. My questions suddenly became, "God, how did You do this?" ... "How did You bring these people my way?"
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Isn't it so easy to be negative? To only see the rain? It made me re-focus, and ultimately realize how quickly I forget that God weeps too. "Jesus wept." Sometimes, just reflecting on those 2 words get me... I mean, Jesus wept. In that shortest verse in the Bible I see so much of my Savior's heart, and it is incredible, isn't it?
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Yes, I am scared and broken and, well, tired... Physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. Things are surreal. Life seems to be on pause in so many ways, and yet in so many ways I don't want to push play. I am terrified. I don't ever want to feel a last kick or kiss my baby one last time. I don't want to face this future. I just don't. But isn't it amazing that the God who already knows this, fast-forwarded to the end, the almighty Creator of the Heavens, comes alongside us, in our pain and wraps His arms around us and weeps with us? That is unreal. That is grace. And that is what I want to keep my focus on. Again, thank you all so much for the warmth you brought me today...
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"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." - 2 Corinthians 4:16 - 19