*Update: A sweet blog reader Crystal made a Prayer Button for April.
Feel free to copy the code on my sidebar and paste it in your own blog
to pass on the word to pray for April!*
.
I am 34 weeks today. It is odd. I honestly didn't expect to reach 34 weeks. At 20 weeks the Dr.'s were pushing early induction/termination so heavily. They seemed so convinced that April wouldn't make it full term, or even close for that matter. That same attitude has continued throughout the weeks and months. The appointments aren't ones in which much hope is given, and yet April is still here. 34 weeks is also odd because I do not look it. I am much smaller than most would be at 34 weeks and I have had no growth for weeks now, and neither has April. Her unhealthy cells first slowed her growth, then stopped it completely, but 34 weeks and she is still here, however small I look, however small she is; she is here.
.
I have known now for months about April's conditions, but each time a Wednesday rolls around and I can officially state I am another week along, the conditions become more real to me, as does the frailty of her life. It isn't that I know much more today vs. a few months ago, but today I am closer to meeting her, and not knowing if she will make it outside of the womb, or how long she will survive if she does, makes that day that much harder to approach.
.
There are a lot of tears, there just are. Most of the time I do not even know why I am crying. I suppose that is to be expected. Something I didn't expect - My life has taken on new meaning because of April. I don't mean a little change here or there, I mean a total life makeover. The experience has shaped me into something all together new. I am not who I was 3 or 4 months ago, and trust me, that is reason to praise Him.
.
I'll give you some background: I honestly never went through too much growing up. I lived my life, things were okay, and my faith remained untested for the most part. When it came to spiritual things, I did what was necessary and that was it. I only ever did just enough. Enough to get by. Enough to move forward a few steps. Enough to call it a day. It is hard to admit, but deep down, I never really believed that I needed God... I mean, really needed Him. I don't mean needed him for that moment, or for this specific struggle, or for him to grant that one "wish," if you will. I mean, needed him - day in, day out, every minute. I think that when you do not have to think that way, it's easy not to.
.
I guess that is why I am strangely thankful for this period of time in my life. I, for the first time have had to cry out to God, have had to completely surrender and hand everything over to Him. I need God. Not just yesterday, or in a week, or when the going gets rough, but I need Him today and everyday and I want Him always. Confession: I have never felt that way before.
.
Sure, I have always sang the songs and sat in that church pew, and went to those Bible studies. I have done all of that for years. I even went to a Christian college. But life was good, or at least okay. I didn't ever fully surrender, sadly because I was okay making it on my own, with God's help on an "as needed" basis. But April's life and my true need for God in this situation has forever changed me in that area. I don't want God to be an "as needed" part of my life, and I don't want to be His part-time daughter. I don't want to just stand still and just get by. I want to live my life for something more, and I am. And in doing so I think, for the first time I am actually living. Makes me think of something C.S. Lewis said... That tragedy is what God uses to wake us up from a life that would otherwise be hopelessly lost from it’s intended purpose. I am thankful. As odd as it may seem. I am thankful that I have been woken up.
.
Months back when I first found out I was pregnant, I remember just crying, but saying to myself, "I want to be the very best mother I can be." That was the desire of my heart. Months later, I still want that. I mean, I don't want the tragedy... In 3 days, or 3 weeks, or whenever the time comes to meet my girl, I want the miracle. I am praying for it. I am hoping for it, but I know that God is in control and no matter what He chooses for April's life and subsequently mine, I will be okay with it. Not to say I will be smiling or happy. If I lose this sweet little girl, I will scream. I will be angry. I will be so many things. I can't imagine. I don't even want to imagine. But I have surrendered. I am His. I know I will somehow be okay, because whatever happens is His design for our lives, and the pain, whether temporary or life-long is part of the process necessary to make me the daughter that I am to become.
.
I am 34 weeks today, April is still here, and I am a full-time daughter to my full-time Father. Praise Him.
