weighty waiting...

I am 35 weeks. Or considering the fraility/amazement/miracle of each day right now, let me be technical here... I am 35 weeks, 1 day.
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There are lot of feelings and emotions, and alongside those a lot of decisions that have to be made during this time. Some decisions I have never wanted to make, some I still don't, and yet they just have to be.
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At our appointment yesterday it was more bad news. April's heart rate was even lower (in the 80's bpm) and with that comes an even more unlikely chance of her surviving the birth, if she does not pass before it inutero. D and I probably paced around the Dr.'s Office for close to 3 hours. We talked, cried, prayed. Our Dr. wanted to set an induction date or schedule a c-section. He believes it is time. When to know when it is time though, is something I really struggle with.
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If the Dr.'s are right, and April won't be able to survive the birth, us scheduling a date and time is in many ways us scheduling the day she dies. I am conflicted. I am scared. I am sad. I am hurt. I am dealing with things I can't understand. I wish... I want... I can't... Eh...
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It's just so much. But one minute at a time I guess is how we'll live it...
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D and I talked a lot last night about what we want. If I am honest, I hate all of the medical stuff that has went alongside this experience; the tests, the machines, the Dr.'s. all of the bad news... It has been a lot. So as it is right now we are looking to do a home birth. It is not something either one of us considered in the past... Actually, I never consiered it at all until yesterday. But we believe it will provide an atmosphere for us that a hospital just can't. One that we personally would prefer. I really like the idea of having April in her home. We are still working out the details with this, but think this is what we will be doing.
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As it stands right now, we have also decided to wait. We aren't going to choose a date to be induced or a time to have a c-section. We are just going to wait... That has been a weighty decision. Weighty because I know there is a good likelihood that by waiting and "not acting" as the Dr. put it, we may not get to have that chance to meet April alive. The Dr.'s believe our only chance at that is to induce/do a c-section asap. He may be right. But he may not be...
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7 weeks ago our Dr. looked at us and explained how April's cells were too sick and had stopped growing. 7 weeks ago he told us she would not live much longer. 7 weeks ago he pushed early induction. Hmm. Have I mentioned that was 7 weeks ago?
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I can't imagine missing these last 7 weeks with my girl. Which could have happened if I would have "acted on" my Dr.'s reccommendation at that time. (I really don't have any problems with Dr.'s. Honest! I am just saying!)
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So right now we are simply waiting. Waiting for God to move or show us clearly where to move, if it varies from where we are right now. But for now, we pray and we wait. Will you pray (or continue to pray) with us as we wait?
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I was reminded last night by a friend that whatever happens, is what God had planned since the start. There is comfort in that. Comfort that the God who knows the very number of hairs on our heads, sees clearly all of our unknowns. He knows how long April has. Not a thought, not a guess, not even an educated one. God knows it all. He sees what today we can't, and if that doesn't make me want to cling tighter, nothing will.
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35 weeks, 1 day and I've never loved my April Rose more... I've also never loved my Jesus more. Funny how that works... No, perfect.