dinner on a paper plate

Yesterday morning the woman who spoke at my church was an unmarried, pregnant, 20-something year old Christian. Yes, yes, that woman was me.
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I actually can't believe I did it. I have never imagined myself being up there speaking, especially in my, ahem, current "state." I was a sweaty, shaking mess, but I am glad I was afforded the opportunity, and glad that I made it through!
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So, what did I talk about? - I'm glad you asked!
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I talked about... Trial.
I talked about... Sadness.
I talked about... Grief.
I talked about... Hope.
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Much of it was about feelings/my relationship with God. I guess you could say my "testimony," specifically through all of this, so far...
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Now, I, in no way feel that I have it all figured out. I do not think that we ever reach a point in which the complexities of this life all just suddenly come together and make sense, but I am starting to figure something out about the hard times... (Or at least my belief about them) Things like tragedy/impending tragedy/poor diagnosis/etc. - all of these shocking pains are what wake us up. I can definitely say that I am more awake than I have ever been, and I believe that is purposeful.
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I have lived the "churched" life, and I used to think about heaven, and forever and death and loss, but my thoughts didn't even scratch the surface. You think through those things to a point, but then you quit. At least I did. I didn't deeply think through the truths, I didn't live my life out each day with the head and heart knowledge of what all this life means.
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But what if deep pain opens our eyes to the true realities of this world?
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For me, they have.
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When I had Dr.'s look at me months ago and tell me, "this is fatal," and "this" was about my daughter's life, this world became empty to me. Useless, void, not my ultimate purpose. It can't be. I think I finally saw it for what it was, and it took all this to do it.
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Of course, I knew the Sunday school answers, the verses, etc. but for the first time I believed it... That all of this is just a stepping stone, a mere path to my real destination. I feel like a different person, operating day in and day out with a different, altered state of mind; an awareness of what is truly important. I think this is what tragedy does to you, or at least what it can do, if you allow it. I dare say, you think clearer... You think deeper... You view life through different lenses...
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I am no saint, but what is important to me today is God, people, relationships, being a witness. I am no longer focused on this world, I am now focused pretty exclusively on my eternal home, and in the day in-day out that has looked like me living a completely different life.
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I am going through trial. I know sadness. I know grief. And I know hope. I also know that even with the latest developments regarding April, and the fact that I am almost 37 weeks (!!!!), I do not know what the future holds, as far as her earthly life. I don't even know what my earthly life holds, but I do believe that for me the barrier between here and heaven has been broken through. I see clearer. Thank you April. Thank you God.
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So, if you see me strolling the aisles at the grocery store in sweats and no makeup, or you e-mail me and it takes me a month to respond, or you come over to my house and it is not as tidy as it once was and I serve you dinner on a paper plate, don't hold it against me. I have got my priorities more straight than ever. And those are on things that are eternal; my faith, truly being His, relationships with others, and so on, because at the end of the day, all of the other stuff is temporary, at best.
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I don't want to have to look back and ask myself "what if" I would have given Him my all... I am just simply going to give Him it.
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Oh, and this little girl April has changed my life forever...