HIS will Wednesday

Welcome to the very first edition of "His will Wednesdays." I've started this because while I am so overwhelmed (in a good way!) by all of the love and support I have received, I am definitely not the only person who needs to be lifted up and prayed for, and I think this is an awesome opportunity for us to come together (around the country and literally around the world!) as a community and pray for others.
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Will you join me in prayer for these people and circumstances below? Pray for peace and comfort through these times, and for God's will... His good and perfect will...
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Meet Kristy
Kristy found out yesterday that some paperwork that is required for her to keep her license for her job has not gone through yet. She is playing a waiting game with paperwork, but needs to keep her job! Kristy also found out just today that she may have to have preventative heart surgery later this year. Click here to visit Kristy's blog. UPDATE: Kristy's paperwork has went through!
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Meet Erica
Erica and her husband lost their little girl, Angel Skye last year when Erica went into early labor at 18 weeks. They are now about 17 weeks pregnant and are being told that their unborn baby will not survive after birth due to a few different complications. Click here to visit Erica's blog.
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Meet Tracy
Tracy has had 6 miscarriages within the last 2 years. So far the Dr.'s have been unable to figure out what is wrong. Click here to visit Tracy's blog. UPDATE: Tracy just found out she is pregnant again.
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Meet Amy
Amy is a loving Mom to Phillip, who has had over 18 brain operations, a stroke, etc. He is scheduled to have a very serious brain/spine operation on May 12th. Amy is not only a loving, caring Mother, she is also a woman battling cancer. Click here to visit Amy/Phillip's blog.
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Meet Jenn
Jenn and her husband have had their house for sale since March 2007. They are in the military and were re-stationed to California in July of 2007. After months of struggle, they have finally received an offer on the house/have a contract. They are looking to close on the house by May 29th.
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Meet Cathy
Cathy is asking for prayer, specifically for families with grown children who have chosen to isolate themselves from their parents. These parents are grieving their children in their absence and have hurting hearts. Click here to visit Cathy's blog.
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Meet Josh and Tina
Josh and Tina are the proud parents of Ella who was born with several medical problems and almost didn't make it, but Ella is now almost 2 years old. (Praise God!) They became pregnant again and found out that their unborn son also had lots of birth defects and they were told he would not be able to survive outside of the womb. At a follow up ultrasound, no heartbeat was detected and just yesterday, on April 28th, Tina gave birth to their son, who was already in heaven. Click here to visit this family's blog.
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Meet Michelle
God has laid it on Michelle's heart to host a shower for someone that she has never met. This is something outside of Michelle's comfort zone and something that she is nervous about offering to her Church. She is seeking success for this shower and a clear showing of God's love to a stranger. Click here to visit Michelle's blog.
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Meet Niki
Niki's daughter "S" has been having health issues since December 2008. They are now exploring neurological issue, kidney/liver issues, as well as possible genetic abnormalities. "S" has been scheduled for blood work this week and an MRI next. Click here to visit Niki's blog.
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Meet Maddie
Maddie is a young little sweetie who is battling Infant Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. Click here to visit her family's blog.
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A Prayer Request for/from Whitney
Last Friday, April 24th, Whitney's 13 year old cousin Morgan passed away in a tragic accident near her house, when her dirt bike collided with an SUV from the main road. She was killed instantly. She has left behind an entire shaken family, including a 15 year old brother, and friends.
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Meet Cyrena
Cyrena's husband Tony leaves on May 5th for his 3rd tour to Iraq. This family has 3 young children that will be missing their Daddy a lot! Click here to visit this family's blog.
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Meet Noah
Noah is a sweet 5 month old baby boy who has suffered multiple injuries since being shaken by his daycare provider earlier this month. Noah has been having seizures, and there is concern regarding brain damage as well as eyesight loss. Noah is currently in a medically induced coma. Click here to visit Noah's family's blog.
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A Prayer Request from Christi
Christi is a Support Group Monitor on the web, and wanted to pass along a request for baby Mary (a dear friend's child). Baby Mary has Downs Syndrome and is 4 months old. She is currently in the ICU with complications including pneumonia that has caused one of her lungs to collapse.
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A Prayer Request from Samantha
Samantha's cousin just gave birth to a baby boy named Tyler. He was born at 28 weeks, weighing in at just 2 lbs. He is currently doing well, but will have a long road ahead. Click here to visit Samantha's blog, where she is posting updates on little Tyler.
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Meet Melissa
Melissa is currently looking for a teaching job. She is also trying to conceive (w/infertility). Click here to visit Melissa's blog.
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Meet Rachel
Rachel and her husband have recently found out that they are expecting an addition to their family at the end of this year. There are some fears that this baby has stopped growing and they will not have answers until their appointment this Friday, May 1st.
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Meet Pablo
This young boy has been fighting a battle with cancer, and recently they found 3 new spots on his lungs. Click here to visit Pablo's family blog.
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Meet Cathy
Cathy is trusting that God will bless her son and daughter-in-love with a child. Click here to visit Cathy's blog.
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Meet Hallie
Hallie's little baby boy Camden has been facing various medical problems, including chronic ear infections and some very odd rashes on his body. He has also had problems not responding to antibiotics. Click here to visit Hallie's blog.
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Meet Jodi
Jodi and her husband are seeking a financially smooth path, as they are currently in the process of purchasing a home. These two are also expecting a baby girl in the next month and a half and need continued health for the remainder of the pregnancy, as well as job security for Jodi. Click here to visit Jodi's blog.
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Meet Rachel
Rachel's has a little boy (her youngest) in Heaven, and his 3rd birthday is just around the corner on May 7th. Click here to visit Rachel's blog.
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A Prayer Request from Holly
Holly, a Mom of an Angel-baby herself (visit Holly's blogs here or here) is asking us to lift up her friend Celia, who is expecting the arrival of her son Noah soon. He has been diagnosed with Anencephaly and will not live. Also, yesterday, April 28th, marked 1 month since Holly's sweet daughter (also diagnosed with Anencephaly) Carleigh, went on to paradise. Click here to visit Celia's blog.
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Meet Jessica
Jessica is a mother of 2, who is about to graduate from college and whose husband is about to leave for the army. This family needs to find work so that they can support themselves and their children. Click here to visit Jessica's blog.
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Meet Ginger
Ginger is asking for prayer for her husband/financial problems that have hit their family, specifically her husband's trust in God, through these times. Click here to visit Ginger's blog.
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A Prayer Request from Tammy
Tammy's dear friends have a 2 year old daughter named Julia, who was diagnosed with kidney cancer (also known as Wilms Tumor) one month ago. They have since removed the kidney and the tumor... Julia is now going through radiation for 2 weeks and chemotherapy for the next 24 weeks. Tammy is seeking out strength for Julia's parents and wisdom for the Dr.'s.
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Meet Erin
Erin is recovering from MRSA and the drugs that she is on are making her very sick to her stomach. Additionally, Erin's husband has a test for work tomorrow, April 30th and if/when he passes this, he will receive a raise. Click here to visit Erin's blog.
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Meet Lisa
Lisa is Mom to a 5 year old son with autism who started feeling very sick yesterday. He has a lot of stomach problems because of the autism, and he is going in for an x-ray today. With Doctor/Hospital visits often a struggle, she is asking for an easy process. Click here to visit Lisa's blog.
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Meet Crystal
Crystal's sweet daughter Bentley is 8 months old and was born with a heart condition that requires open heart surgery to repair the defects. She is scheduled to have this surgery on May 20th. Click here to visit this family's blog
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Meet Tiffany
Tiffany and her husband have been trying to conceive for 3 years now. Click here to visit Tiffany's blog. UPDATE: I heard from Tiffany this evening and she wanted me to add prayer for her Mother who has just been diagnosed with a brain tumor and a brain aneurysm. They do not want to move forward with surgery due to the high probablity that her Mom could become brain dead from the procedure.
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Meet Owen
This little guy is currently waiting on a heart for a heart transplant. Click here to visit his family's blog.
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Meet Andrea
Andrea is 14 weeks pregnant with twins, and recently one of her babies was diagnosed with Holoprosencephaly and the Dr's don't expect that baby to live.
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A Prayer Request from Susan
Susan follows the story of little Preston Loyd and wanted to pass it along to us. This little guy was accidentally run over by a lawn mower his grandfather was driving. He has had a couple of surgeries already to repair the damage the mower did to his spleen, intestines, lungs, etc., but there is still a fear of infection in those parts of his body, and he also had some swelling in his brain. Click here to visit Preston Loyd's Caring Bridge page.
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Meet Hope
Hope is currently undergoing testing for pain she is experiencing as well as follow up on the pituitary tumor she has. She is seeking answers for these medical issues. Yesterday also marked 12 years since her father's passing, and she misses her Dad daily. Click here to visit Hope's blog. UPDATE: Hope heard back from the Dr. and all of her tests came back normal, so now she needs to move forward with different Dr.'s to try and find answers for her pain.
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Meet Kandi
Kandi is a young woman who suffers from Asperger's Syndrome and many other ailments. Kandi currently lives alone and is wanting God to send someone her way to share her home with her/rent out her other room. Kandi is also just needing some comfort/good feelings today!
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Meet Ashlynn
Ashlynn Elizabeth was born in November of 2008 at only 23 weeks. She continues to be in the hospital and is fighting for her life. Click here to visit Ashlynn's Caring Bridge page.
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Meet Michelle
Michelle's parents are full-time Southern Baptist missionaries living in Mexico City, "ground zero" for the swine flu outbreak. They have recently been quarantined to their apartment, and although they have no air conditioning or heating, they've been advised to keep all their windows and doors shut to prevent airborne bacteria from infiltrating their house. This is just one of the many hardships that they have been facing out in Mexico recently. Michelle and her sister miss their parents deeply, and are hopeful that nothing will restrict them from making their yearly trip home in June. Click here to visit Michelle's blog.
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*** MANY, many people have requested continued prayer for these sick babies and their families... If you do not yet know about them click on their link to read more about their circumstances...
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Baby Kaleigh
Click here to follow her story.
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Abby
Click here to visit her family's blog.
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Baby Jonah
Click here to visit his family's blog.
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Baby Stellan
Click here to follow his journey. He is now home and recovering.
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Baby April
You are already here. Thank you for praying!
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Also, several have asked for prayer for the Compassion/India trip that Angie Smith and others are on. Click here for more information and updates.
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*** Anonymous Requests: Please Pray...

• For a woman who's husband is battling cancer. They have 2 very young children and his prognosis does not look good.
• For all the sick and premature babies.
• For a woman who's son, Jacob, has just flown to Iraq.
• For a woman's 18+ year marriage. She is having many problems with her husband, but wants things to work out.
• For a woman praying for a baby soon; that she be led in the right direction.
• For a woman's Mother-in-law who had a double-lung transplant last week. Both for her continued progress and comfort for the donor family.
• For a woman's ex-husband, Tony.

"Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven..."

(If you have a request for next week's "His will Wednesday" post, e-mail me here with your requests. Please make sure to let me know if you want me to include your name and a link back to your blog, or not. Thank You!)

and they said it wouldn't happen...

Update:

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Whoah! In the last hour since writing my post,I have gotten at least 15 e-mails regarding my statement below: "Adam totally has my vote." So let me just say this: I have watched American Idol for years, and am a firm believer that the competition should be based on vocals, not personal stories (for example this season: certain tragedies in contestants pasts), or personal stances even. Yes, I am aware that Adam is openly gay. Yes, I am also aware that Danny is openly a Christian.

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Now, I happen to think that all of the "Idols" still in it, are extremely talented, but believe Adam has just been consistently phenomenal (I wasn't a fan of "Ring of Fire", but besides that...) Of course this is just my opinion, and nothing I am saying is law. But to get on me, because I am not voting for the "Christian contestant," because he is Christian? - Really?

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Yes, Danny is really good. I would like to see him and Adam in the final 2, in fact (and wouldn't be upset if Danny won), but I do think Adam is better, vocally, and he is my pick. After all, this is a singing competition...

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Original Post:

Just two (really) quick things...
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1. An April Update
So... Despite the Dr.'s and the tests and all of the assumptions, as of tomorrow April will be full term (37 weeks)... Seriously, a miracle. I can't believe it. Well, okay, yes I can. God is good. I am so excited, and I just could not keep it to myself, so am sharing my excitement here. :)
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2. H.W.W.
Tomorrow will be my first "HIS will Wednesdays," post which you can read all about here (just scroll down to the bottom of the post). Comment below, or e-mail me any requests you may have personally or for someone else by the end of tonight and I will compile and post them all right here tomorrow. And we will, as a community, pray for God's will to be done in the lives and circumstances listed.
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That is all... Enjoy the night! I know I will...
How many of my blog readers watch American Idol?
Adam (still) totally has my vote...

dinner on a paper plate

Yesterday morning the woman who spoke at my church was an unmarried, pregnant, 20-something year old Christian. Yes, yes, that woman was me.
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I actually can't believe I did it. I have never imagined myself being up there speaking, especially in my, ahem, current "state." I was a sweaty, shaking mess, but I am glad I was afforded the opportunity, and glad that I made it through!
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So, what did I talk about? - I'm glad you asked!
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I talked about... Trial.
I talked about... Sadness.
I talked about... Grief.
I talked about... Hope.
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Much of it was about feelings/my relationship with God. I guess you could say my "testimony," specifically through all of this, so far...
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Now, I, in no way feel that I have it all figured out. I do not think that we ever reach a point in which the complexities of this life all just suddenly come together and make sense, but I am starting to figure something out about the hard times... (Or at least my belief about them) Things like tragedy/impending tragedy/poor diagnosis/etc. - all of these shocking pains are what wake us up. I can definitely say that I am more awake than I have ever been, and I believe that is purposeful.
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I have lived the "churched" life, and I used to think about heaven, and forever and death and loss, but my thoughts didn't even scratch the surface. You think through those things to a point, but then you quit. At least I did. I didn't deeply think through the truths, I didn't live my life out each day with the head and heart knowledge of what all this life means.
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But what if deep pain opens our eyes to the true realities of this world?
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For me, they have.
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When I had Dr.'s look at me months ago and tell me, "this is fatal," and "this" was about my daughter's life, this world became empty to me. Useless, void, not my ultimate purpose. It can't be. I think I finally saw it for what it was, and it took all this to do it.
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Of course, I knew the Sunday school answers, the verses, etc. but for the first time I believed it... That all of this is just a stepping stone, a mere path to my real destination. I feel like a different person, operating day in and day out with a different, altered state of mind; an awareness of what is truly important. I think this is what tragedy does to you, or at least what it can do, if you allow it. I dare say, you think clearer... You think deeper... You view life through different lenses...
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I am no saint, but what is important to me today is God, people, relationships, being a witness. I am no longer focused on this world, I am now focused pretty exclusively on my eternal home, and in the day in-day out that has looked like me living a completely different life.
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I am going through trial. I know sadness. I know grief. And I know hope. I also know that even with the latest developments regarding April, and the fact that I am almost 37 weeks (!!!!), I do not know what the future holds, as far as her earthly life. I don't even know what my earthly life holds, but I do believe that for me the barrier between here and heaven has been broken through. I see clearer. Thank you April. Thank you God.
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So, if you see me strolling the aisles at the grocery store in sweats and no makeup, or you e-mail me and it takes me a month to respond, or you come over to my house and it is not as tidy as it once was and I serve you dinner on a paper plate, don't hold it against me. I have got my priorities more straight than ever. And those are on things that are eternal; my faith, truly being His, relationships with others, and so on, because at the end of the day, all of the other stuff is temporary, at best.
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I don't want to have to look back and ask myself "what if" I would have given Him my all... I am just simply going to give Him it.
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Oh, and this little girl April has changed my life forever...

a whole-bunch-o-random...

Here goes:
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1.) An April Update:
To start off, yesterday I had my first at home/mid-wife appointment and it went really well! I am still dilated 2 cm (is that too much info? and did I announce the 2cm thing before? I don't remember...), and April's heart rate is at the 132ish mark. Amazing. (If you haven't seen my post from a few days ago - click here!)
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My little girl is going strong and I am rather excited. Have I mentioned I am 36.5 weeks!!! My due date is actually May 20th (I am not sure if I have ever mentioned that before either...?) but wow, I never expected to get anywhere near my due date and now look at me. Look at us! Less than a month away...
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2.) You Asked!
A few people have e-mailed me asking about April's name, and if I chose that name for her thinking she would come in April. Hmm... Good question...
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It is true. I did! I was torn between Lily and a few others, but towards the end of March I was certain that she would come in April, and was still a bit uncertain on the name, so went with it. I think April Rose has a beautiful sound to it,
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So what happens if I do not have her in the next 5 days? In April? Oh, she will still be April. May Rose just doesn't have the same ring to it. :)
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3.) Shirt orders.
I didn't know how else to say this, so am just going to add it in here: Since launching the "Support Life: Pick a Rose" campaign, if you will, I have received several comments and e-mails from people who have said they have ordered, but Uber Clothing does not show as many orders as being received.
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I am stumped...
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So... If you have ordered a shirt, can you either comment below or e-mail me with your name, and let me know if you received a confirmation e-mail. If you did not, your order may not have went through. Also, especially comment if you were one of those who said you ordered multiples (I have heard from some that they bought a few for them and their kids, one for them/one for their mother, and one for themselves/a sister, but UD+M doesn't show any multiple orders at all.)
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If you are having any other problems with the site, or with the cart not loading, e-mail/comment about that as well, so we can resolve it. We just want to make sure everyone who wants a shirt gets one. And hey (a little self-promotion here), it's not too late - click here if you are still interested, and get a hot tee and make a difference for life.
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4.) Introducing... H.W.W. - Read on!
Lastly and most important: When I started my blog I never imagined I would have the amount of daily visitors that I currently do. I never could have foreseen my story reaching across continents and so many people following, praying and caring. It is incredible... And it is all God. I feel your prayers and support and it is such a blessing in my life.
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Now, in the last two weeks specifically, I have received several e-mails containing prayer requests. People who would like me to pray for her or him, or themselves. People who want me to pass along another blog address of someone else in need of prayer, and so on. I was a little taken back by this at first (like, why are people asking little ole' me?), but I believe strongly in giving back, and being faithful with the opportunities that God gives me, especially when it entails being directed and/or directing others back towards Him.
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So this is what I propose. - "HIS will Wednesdays" I talked here about how I am realizing more and more the importance of praying for His will to be done, vs. our own wills, so I thought the name was fitting.
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The details: If you have a request (personal, family-related, child-related, unspoken), or if you see a blog/know a family who needs prayer, etc. e-mail me. I will share those requests with everyone, every Wednesday. Isn't that what community is all about? I am honestly so thankful for the community of support that I have personally received here, like I said, it is such a blessing, but I know that I am not the only one who needs it!
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Will you please join me on Wednesdays to pray for His will to be done in our lives and in the lives of others? I am excited and will post everyone's requests. Whether I have 1 or 100. (Please indicate in your e-mail if it is okay for me to link back to your site, if you have one/and can you put "H.W.W." or something similar in the subject line too?). I am excited to see what God will have us pray for and how He will continue to work in this community.
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In the meantime, before "HIS will Wednesday's" first installment, please pray for this sweet girl and her family. I am broken by this story, especially after their last update: Pray for Kayleigh - Pray for God's will to be done with this sweet miracle girl and for her parents to have peace.
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"... Pray for one another so that you may be healed...

The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much..."

James 5:16

this one speaks for itself...

because you wanna be stylish and you love life

So... I have an announcement and I am pretty excited about it. You ready?
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Uber Clothing (UD+M, a design studio in Nashville, TN - check out their site/work!) recently approached me with a great idea: Create a pretty, casual, wearable tee, support April Rose, and promote awareness of genetic disorders and the value of life, no matter how small.

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UD+M generously offered to do this to help us out financially, but after thinking it over we agreed that we wanted to do something bigger as well. So, while a portion of the proceeds from this shirt sale will be given to help us with medical expenses and other arrangements that are being made, part will also go to an organization that is near to my heart; PASS Pregnancy Care Center... A local (to me!) crisis pregnancy center that provides counseling and abortion alternatives to women and men facing an unplanned pregnancy. I believe the resources/services that centers like PASS offer are vital to people in situations like mine, and I would love a financial donation to be passed along to them for all the work they do.

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What are you waiting for?! :) These shirts are super cute and are a great fit. If you purchase one I hope it will help you remember to pray for April and for us, but more than that, I hope you'll enjoy wearing a cute top knowing you're supporting women who are being faced with difficult decisions. Click a picture below to be directed to Uber Clothing and buy one today...

Thank you so much for your support. What a blessing you have all already been to me.

our feet; His path

I do not want to write too much on this topic, but did want to write a quick post to address something I have been getting a lot of feedback on...
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Home birth.
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After I explained in my last post that this was the direction we were headed I got about 50 e-mails that same day explaining to me how it was a bad decision, or wrong, or how I could possibly go to jail, and the most hurtful... How I would be allowing April to die by not affording her the chance at medical intervention. Now of course, I did get several supportive comments, but those other ones...
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Huh?!
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Without getting into all of the details, I just wanted to clear the air. I really have become educated in the area of home birth. Not only have I read stories of other women, with poor diagnosis/prognosis that chose home birth, but I am also working with a midwife who has experience in situations just like ours. This decision is not one that we made lightly, nor is it one that is illegal, and definitely not selfish or one that hurts April in the process...
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Rewinding... A few months ago when we realized the severity of April's diagnosis, we chose to work with a social worker from the hospital on a birth plan. This is something we took very seriously, considering our options, and what would be best for our girl. There is so much more to our story and April's prognosis than what I have detailed in these blog posts. While it is true that there are definitely babies who live with Trisomy 13, and babies who live with Holoprosencephaly, April's prognosis is poor, and with both of her known conditions as well as her sick heart, she is not expected to live. Those are the "facts," medically speaking.
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Do I believe in miracles? Absolutely. Do I believe that she can be healed? Of course. Do I pray for these things (if they are God's will)? Yes! Believe me, yes, yes, yes! I feel April move about inside of me every single day and she is so full of life; I don't want that to end. We pray for His will. We pray for miracles. But we also have to plan for the things we are medically facing.
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Dr.'s never expected April to make it this long. She already really is a miracle. We have heard time and time again that she won't live outside of my womb/will not likely make it through the birth process alive. Of course, these are not certainties... But probablities? Yes. Things to consider? Absolutely.
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Months ago it was decided that if April was born alive, if God gave us that miracle, we wanted to love her and hold her and be with her as long as we could be. 2 minutes... 2 hours... 2 days... 20 years. We do not know how much time (if any) that we will be given with our sweet girl. That is a scary unknown. But we have decided against medical interventions that will only give us a few more minutes.
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You see, if April is born alive, she is already beating all of the odds. If she lives and I have a few moments with her, I want those moments to be intervention free. I want them to be just her and us, not her and us and tubes and wires and swarming Doctors. In addition to that, we know the risk of epidurals (side effects such as low blood pressure in the mother, etc.) and we think it is best to avoid any (even remote) thing that could further be harmful to April's frail body.
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We are praying for His will, and praying that His will is our miracle. But if it is not, we just want to hold our girl, free from all the life-saving support, that gives us moments more. We would rather our girl just feel loved and be in our arms, not on machines and in Dr.'s and nurses arms. And if God heals her? Well, we are only a short drive (or even quicker ambulance drive!) to the hospital.
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We trust God. He knew this would be our decision and for Him there will be no surprises when April is born. He will provide, whatever our next step is.
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* Please know that I am truly thankful for all of the support that I/we have received, and am confident that the majority of those who e-mailed, meant no harm, but just wanted everyone to know that this is nothing we haven't rolled over and over again in our minds and become educated on. We are confident in our decisions for our sweet girl. And God is good. He will be all that He is supposed to be the day we have our daughter, whether that means Healer or Comforter.

"Show me Your ways, O LORD, teach me Your paths; guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long..." Psalm 25:4-5

weighty waiting...

I am 35 weeks. Or considering the fraility/amazement/miracle of each day right now, let me be technical here... I am 35 weeks, 1 day.
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There are lot of feelings and emotions, and alongside those a lot of decisions that have to be made during this time. Some decisions I have never wanted to make, some I still don't, and yet they just have to be.
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At our appointment yesterday it was more bad news. April's heart rate was even lower (in the 80's bpm) and with that comes an even more unlikely chance of her surviving the birth, if she does not pass before it inutero. D and I probably paced around the Dr.'s Office for close to 3 hours. We talked, cried, prayed. Our Dr. wanted to set an induction date or schedule a c-section. He believes it is time. When to know when it is time though, is something I really struggle with.
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If the Dr.'s are right, and April won't be able to survive the birth, us scheduling a date and time is in many ways us scheduling the day she dies. I am conflicted. I am scared. I am sad. I am hurt. I am dealing with things I can't understand. I wish... I want... I can't... Eh...
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It's just so much. But one minute at a time I guess is how we'll live it...
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D and I talked a lot last night about what we want. If I am honest, I hate all of the medical stuff that has went alongside this experience; the tests, the machines, the Dr.'s. all of the bad news... It has been a lot. So as it is right now we are looking to do a home birth. It is not something either one of us considered in the past... Actually, I never consiered it at all until yesterday. But we believe it will provide an atmosphere for us that a hospital just can't. One that we personally would prefer. I really like the idea of having April in her home. We are still working out the details with this, but think this is what we will be doing.
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As it stands right now, we have also decided to wait. We aren't going to choose a date to be induced or a time to have a c-section. We are just going to wait... That has been a weighty decision. Weighty because I know there is a good likelihood that by waiting and "not acting" as the Dr. put it, we may not get to have that chance to meet April alive. The Dr.'s believe our only chance at that is to induce/do a c-section asap. He may be right. But he may not be...
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7 weeks ago our Dr. looked at us and explained how April's cells were too sick and had stopped growing. 7 weeks ago he told us she would not live much longer. 7 weeks ago he pushed early induction. Hmm. Have I mentioned that was 7 weeks ago?
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I can't imagine missing these last 7 weeks with my girl. Which could have happened if I would have "acted on" my Dr.'s reccommendation at that time. (I really don't have any problems with Dr.'s. Honest! I am just saying!)
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So right now we are simply waiting. Waiting for God to move or show us clearly where to move, if it varies from where we are right now. But for now, we pray and we wait. Will you pray (or continue to pray) with us as we wait?
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I was reminded last night by a friend that whatever happens, is what God had planned since the start. There is comfort in that. Comfort that the God who knows the very number of hairs on our heads, sees clearly all of our unknowns. He knows how long April has. Not a thought, not a guess, not even an educated one. God knows it all. He sees what today we can't, and if that doesn't make me want to cling tighter, nothing will.
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35 weeks, 1 day and I've never loved my April Rose more... I've also never loved my Jesus more. Funny how that works... No, perfect.

that "whole other post"

So, this post is definitely one "for the people..."
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In my first post I talked about being a pregnant Christian, and how many people (unfortunately many fellow Christians), believed abortion was "the answer." I didn't elaborate too much and even joked about how that was "a whole other post." Well, since then, I have received a lot of feedback, both good and bad, and others just saying they can't wait to read "that post." I will probably be repeating a little here of what I originally stated in my first post here, but bear with me (if you are interested!) Here is that "whole other post"...
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I grew up "pro-life" ... Whatever that meant. Hmm. I always equated abortion with being wrong, but being "pro-life" meant little more to me than just being what I was told I should be. It isn't like I really contemplated what that meant - as a Christian, as a member of the body or Christ, as a friend, as a sinner. I don't want to sound too preachy here. I am not a preacher by any means, and this is all my opinion. Just as a disclaimer. :) But many have asked, so here goes...
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I do believe that all of life is a blessing. Of course, I do not believe that going out and having sex, while unmarried is right. I believe that is a sin. But being pregnant/carrying a life, that isn't...
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When I told a few close friends early on that I was pregnant the reaction was horrible. I can understand that. Ya know, "Did you know that girl over there in that pew is pregnant?!" - Gasp! Ah! Oh, I can only imagine the thoughts... "What kind of Christian is SHE?" and so on. No, it may not be ideal or what was originally in the plan, but I do not believe that the pregnancy is the sin. See the distinction?
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I have heard it all. I was actually referred to once by a good friend as "knocked up;" terminology I believe is both very negative and offensive. She would never of referred to her happily married self as quote knocked up, but me... Oh, well, for me it was somehow fitting...
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I believe that my pregnancy and any single woman or unmarried couple's pregnancy for that matter, is just as much a blessing as the married couple standing next to me/them. We all make mistakes, but God doesn't. And like I have previously said, I do not believe that God punishes people with babies. I also do not think the answer is ever abortion.
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Does being a single parent to a healthy or otherwise baby mean that the circumstances could be harder vs. the married couple? Sure. Though not necessarily. But it doesn't mean that the life the single woman is carrying in her belly or holding in her arms is of any lesser value. All of life is created and allowed by God. All of His creation is a blessing. And because of that... All life needs to be valued.
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We can't be "pro-life" but simultaneously shun the girl in the church pew who has repented, but yes, is pregnant (I would go as far as saying we can't even shun the unrepentive girl in the church pew who is pregnant...). I believe that if we are "pro-life" then we need to make more of an effort to impart life as a core value among our friends, community, churches, etc.
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But we can't stop there...
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And while I say this being in this situation, I believe it needs to be said regardless. We (meaning specifically the body of Christ/sisters in Christ/fellow mothers/pro-life individuals) need to let those carrying the life know they are loved. The personal discouragement that I felt from "friends" and some within my "church community" this past year was enough to (thankfully, only) almost move me in a different direction. I strongly believe that when a girl is alone, or an unmarried couple is struggling with an unplanned pregnancy - they need support, not judgement. We need to be willing to set aside our own judgements and simply meet them where they are at, not make them feel worse off, less forgiven, more judged than they already feel from within.
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In short, we can't claim to be "pro-life," and then be the first to throw the stone at the pregnant woman/unmarried couple facing this kind of situation. Life won't be valued and had, if the life-carrier (aka the mom), feels no support.
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Some Christians circles may believe things like this are best swept under the rug. Some actually said to me "God knows you heart. He will forgive you if you have an abortion" (which re: forgiveness is true, but not right either). Others may believe that getting married is the best way to handle a pregnancy. (sidebar: I find nowhere in scripture where God recommends that type of response... Not that if it worked out, it couldn't be a tremendous blessing). I believe that scripture seems to be very clear that we need to be open and honest about our sin and make no attempt to cover it up. That goes for the visible sins as much as the invisible.
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It is true, we make our own choices. I made mine. It is also true that God doesn't wait until the "crisis" (yes, I did consider my pregnancy such) to warn us. God speaks the truth and His intentions are always clear. He wants to save us from our sins. He tells us as it is, explains how sin will hurt us, and then He offers us a better way. I knew having sex could mean pregnancy. I didn't listen to Him and I did find myself in crisis. What a lesson in the misunderstanding of the severity of consequences and the power of prevention, right?
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But even in the crisis God is there. All it ever requires is us going back to Him and/or repenting. I think as Christians, we also need to be there. And while I say all of this in regards to being pro-life and pregnant, I think the lesson can be applied across the board. Who are we to judge? Who are we to shun? Who are we to gossip about? When our sin is right there alongside the next persons? Visible, invisible, big, small; sin is sin.
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Truth be told, I am completely incapable of living this life without completing falling on my face, but praise God I have a Savior who died for me. The very blood I made Him bleed, He used to cover me, and you. All our sins. All of them. So... "Knocked up?" ... No, just a sinner. Saved by grace. Praise Him.

snail mail

Many people have e-mailed us asking if there is an address where cards and letters can be sent. We were initially hesitant to set up something like this up, but have been encouraged to do so by friends who have lived through similar situations. Others have said it has been a blessing to connect with others in this way and feel their support.

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We are in no way asking for anything, but do want to allow cards, etc. from people who are walking this journey with us, even if it is from a distance. If you have inquired about sending something our way, here are the details...

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April Rose
P.O. Box #924
Oak Lawn, Illinois 60454

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More than anything at all, we are thankful for your continued support and prayers.

We feel them and are so blessed. Thank you to all of you.

not my home

I have started this update several times in the last day and a half, but am not sure how to put into words all the thoughts that I have in my head, and all the pain and sadness that is weighing on my heart.
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I guess though, I will just start with the facts. I had my Dr.'s appointment yesterday morning. I was praying, I was hoping, I was pleading with God that despite what our appointment before showed, that April would be showing improvement. I was praying that her heart rate would be increased, that she would be getting stronger, maybe even growing larger. However, I found out none of those things.
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What we did find is that April's heart rate is even lower. Consistently around 90 bpm. Dr.'s believe that she is in distress. Her movements have become much less frequent, and in short, the Dr.'s do not believe that she is strong enough to survive outside of the womb, nor do they believe she will survive the birth process. She is too fragile. Too small. Her heart is beating just too slow. As D and I talked with our Dr.'s yesterday, we asked many questions and covered many topics... We talked about scheduling a c-section... We talked about continuing to wait it out... etc. Some new things, some old, but all answers that seemed to hit so much harder than ever before.
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I have known the medical possibilities and in our Dr.'s eyes, "high probabilities," since we learned of April's diagnosis months ago, but I have never wanted to shut out the possibility of a miracle. I haven't wanted to solely plan for the worst and in a sense, or at least, in my mind, be limiting what God can do. I have been praying for a miracle, and have been so touched by all of you, who have been doing the same.
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Yesterday after my appointment (and the foggiest visit to Panera/the most tasteless cup of soup I have ever had), I came in, shut my computer and spent time just laying in bed with my girl. I talked with her. I sang to her. I cried. I told her how much I loved her and how much I want her. I told her all the places I want to take her, all the thing I want to do with her. I lifted my shirt up and just ran my hands along my bare small belly, praying out to God. "Lord, please... This can't be it... I don't want to lose my daughter... I love her..." and so on. At some point, I fell asleep...
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When I woke back up I started really dissecting what it was I wanted. It is a thought I have had before, a thought I am almost reluctant to write about, because the last thing I want anyone to think is that I don't believe God can heal April. He can. I know He is able. But the idea of "performing a miracle" sometimes doesn't sit well with me. Let me try to explain...
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I have an amazingly strong friend, R, who lost her daughter a year ago this past week to a different Trisomy diagnosis. As she has grieved the loss of her daughter, one year later, I have thought a lot about how, while our grief is 100% normal and justified, it is only us that grieve for what is lost on this earth. R's daughter is in Heaven and while her parents miss her, and are sad and appropriately grieve that loss, their daughter is in Paradise this very moment, and isn't that what we all want for our children? for our family members? for ourselves? ... I know I do.
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See, we pray for miracles. And miracles do happen. But whose miracles?
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I know that if April's heart stops beating and she dies, she will be in Heaven. And I know that Heaven is the most perfect place. The place we all wait for. The place we long for, at times. April would be in a place that is so much better than this earth, and all of the pain and hurt and separation from God we go through in our earthly bodies.
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Today when I woke up, I changed my prayer. Praying "for a miracle" just seemed too vague. Because my miracle is for April's heart to beat faster. My miracle is for her to stay with me until she is completely full term. My miracle is for her to live. My miracle is for me to hold her, raise her, love her, not distantly, but in this world. My miracle is to be April's Mom for the next however many years, on this earth. My miracle does not include a gravestone, dirt, pain and death. It just doesn't.
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But...
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God's might.
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That is hard to type, but it is true. We don't know God's reasoning, or understand His ways. I don't think it would be too good if we did because then we wouldn't need to have the faith we do in the times of burning uncertainty. We would "get it," and things would probably require less faith with the explanations attached.
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From this day forward what I want to pray for is His miracle. I want to pray for His will. Not my will, not my miracle, but His will be done...
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Tonight I am sad. I fear every kick will be the last. I wake up in the morning, in the middle of the night (sometimes in the middle of the day!), and am fearful she is gone. I am so sad. I don't understand. But I am praying for His will, even if that means that I may not be granted the opportunity to raise April on earth. Praise God (especially today as we celebrate Good Friday) that when all is said and done, this world is not our home...

take me all apart and pull me closer

*Update: A sweet blog reader Crystal made a Prayer Button for April.

Feel free to copy the code on my sidebar and paste it in your own blog

to pass on the word to pray for April!*

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I am 34 weeks today. It is odd. I honestly didn't expect to reach 34 weeks. At 20 weeks the Dr.'s were pushing early induction/termination so heavily. They seemed so convinced that April wouldn't make it full term, or even close for that matter. That same attitude has continued throughout the weeks and months. The appointments aren't ones in which much hope is given, and yet April is still here. 34 weeks is also odd because I do not look it. I am much smaller than most would be at 34 weeks and I have had no growth for weeks now, and neither has April. Her unhealthy cells first slowed her growth, then stopped it completely, but 34 weeks and she is still here, however small I look, however small she is; she is here.
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I have known now for months about April's conditions, but each time a Wednesday rolls around and I can officially state I am another week along, the conditions become more real to me, as does the frailty of her life. It isn't that I know much more today vs. a few months ago, but today I am closer to meeting her, and not knowing if she will make it outside of the womb, or how long she will survive if she does, makes that day that much harder to approach.
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There are a lot of tears, there just are. Most of the time I do not even know why I am crying. I suppose that is to be expected. Something I didn't expect - My life has taken on new meaning because of April. I don't mean a little change here or there, I mean a total life makeover. The experience has shaped me into something all together new. I am not who I was 3 or 4 months ago, and trust me, that is reason to praise Him.
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I'll give you some background: I honestly never went through too much growing up. I lived my life, things were okay, and my faith remained untested for the most part. When it came to spiritual things, I did what was necessary and that was it. I only ever did just enough. Enough to get by. Enough to move forward a few steps. Enough to call it a day. It is hard to admit, but deep down, I never really believed that I needed God... I mean, really needed Him. I don't mean needed him for that moment, or for this specific struggle, or for him to grant that one "wish," if you will. I mean, needed him - day in, day out, every minute. I think that when you do not have to think that way, it's easy not to.
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I guess that is why I am strangely thankful for this period of time in my life. I, for the first time have had to cry out to God, have had to completely surrender and hand everything over to Him. I need God. Not just yesterday, or in a week, or when the going gets rough, but I need Him today and everyday and I want Him always. Confession: I have never felt that way before.
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Sure, I have always sang the songs and sat in that church pew, and went to those Bible studies. I have done all of that for years. I even went to a Christian college. But life was good, or at least okay. I didn't ever fully surrender, sadly because I was okay making it on my own, with God's help on an "as needed" basis. But April's life and my true need for God in this situation has forever changed me in that area. I don't want God to be an "as needed" part of my life, and I don't want to be His part-time daughter. I don't want to just stand still and just get by. I want to live my life for something more, and I am. And in doing so I think, for the first time I am actually living. Makes me think of something C.S. Lewis said... That tragedy is what God uses to wake us up from a life that would otherwise be hopelessly lost from it’s intended purpose. I am thankful. As odd as it may seem. I am thankful that I have been woken up.
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Months back when I first found out I was pregnant, I remember just crying, but saying to myself, "I want to be the very best mother I can be." That was the desire of my heart. Months later, I still want that. I mean, I don't want the tragedy... In 3 days, or 3 weeks, or whenever the time comes to meet my girl, I want the miracle. I am praying for it. I am hoping for it, but I know that God is in control and no matter what He chooses for April's life and subsequently mine, I will be okay with it. Not to say I will be smiling or happy. If I lose this sweet little girl, I will scream. I will be angry. I will be so many things. I can't imagine. I don't even want to imagine. But I have surrendered. I am His. I know I will somehow be okay, because whatever happens is His design for our lives, and the pain, whether temporary or life-long is part of the process necessary to make me the daughter that I am to become.
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I am 34 weeks today, April is still here, and I am a full-time daughter to my full-time Father. Praise Him.

past the ceiling

Well, If I am honest, I have spent the majority of the last few days in bed. Kind of just "one of those days." Well, x 2. Let me rewind to Friday...

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It started off good. Thanks to my amazing friend C, who got me a gift certificate at place called "Stork Snapshots" I was able to go in and have a 3D/4D ultrasound done. It was so awesome to see my sweet little girl, so completely alive. The footage and still images are ones I will forever cherish, no matter what happens in the end. But, though it was undeniably awesome, it was also unexpectedly hard.
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Part of the hardness was just the mental/emotional side of it. Watching April move and make faces, and seeing her so alive, left me wondering if I would ever see her that way, outside of my belly - in real life, not just on a screen. I remember during her first ultrasound, before anything was ever deemed "wrong," a million thoughts about the future flooded me. I am sure that is natural. You think, "Oh I think she has my lips" ... or ... "I wonder if she will have my color hair," and so on. When you get that glimpse inside, you wonder so much about the future. That part of it made the whole experience the other day rather bitter-sweet. I loved seeing her, I absolutely loved it, but I don't want that to be the last time I see her kicking or waving, or smiling (yes, she smiled, and yes, it was amazing!)

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Another hard part was the medical side of it. While the sonographer was doing her thing, she mentioned to us several times that there was not much movement, etc.. To us, April was moving all around, but to her it was limited, and since she does ultrasounds day in and day out, I will take her word on the fact that it was a noticeable difference that her quote normal scans. We (D and I; D = April's father, supporter, friend) explained to her April's conditions and for the most part the comments stopped. But before we left, she did recommend that we contact our Dr. just to make sure everything was okay. She seemed pretty convinced things were not (even after being informed about her conditions). I was upset, but was determined not to let her assumptions ruin such a great experience.

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Later that evening, we did have the Dr. paged and I did talk with him. He wasn't as alarmed as the woman before him was, and we set up an appointment for yesterday morning. Honestly, I really wasn't that alarmed either. Well, not until late that night, but once the nerves hit, that was it. I literally did not sleep a minute. I tossed and turned, watched old "Office" episodes, and infomercials for "Malibu Pilates" and the "Tobi Iron Steamer." I am sure you get the picture... Restless. Completely.
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I finally gave in about 7:00 a.m. and just got up and ready for the appointment, and a few hours later we met with the Dr. and it was confirmed; April's heart rate is low. Too low. She has had dips in her rate the last few weeks, but it has just been dips, and then back to a safe range. yesterday her heart rate was just a tad over 100, consistently, and once that fact was determined, my mood went from a bit crabby and a lot tired, to just completely re-broken.
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D and I waited and waited in that Office, while our Dr. spoke with another Dr. and then called, I believe yet another. In the end, he came back in and spoke with us about inducing. Now that isn't a surprise, it has actually been a frequent topic with our Dr. and is something he has always pushed, but this time his reasons were more substantiated than the whole "This will be easier" ... "She most likely won't live anyways" routine.

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The Dr.'s believe that April is under stress in the womb right now, and that coupled with her low heart rate just isn't good. He started talking to us about setting up a time to induce, as in, the next few days...

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Pause.

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The next few days? ... Oh, a million thoughts rushed over me, spanning from, "I am not ready," to "I don't want to," to "It is too early, I don't think she is strong enough yet," back to "I am not ready," and so on.

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The Dr.'s bottom line speech, went a little something like... If I induce now I may have a better chance of meeting her alive... He believes at this rate, with her heart, she will die soon inutero if we wait and do nothing. He also doesn't seem to think I have much time to make the decision. His belief being that with the combination of her stress and already low heart rate, if it gets any lower, she will likely not make it through the birth process alive, because it will just be too much for her tiny body.

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Deep breath.

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How do you listen to that? How do you weigh those kinds of options? How do you know what is best? How do you make that decision? I am pretty sure that I would rather decide anything else...

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I fear regret in every corner. Like, if we induce in an attempt to meet her alive, and she dies in the process, I would regret that we induced. If we don't induce and she passes inside me, I will regret that we didn't induce, and so the cycle goes. The only option that doesn't take me through that hideous cycle is the hope for a miracle.
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Sigh.

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I got home yesterday and just layed down in bed, feeling April move inside of me, poking her, and feeling her poke or push or gesture back at me. I just sobbed. Some days I am okay. Actually most days I am. Of course, okay doesn't mean I am smiling ear to ear or laughing uncontrollably, but for the most part, I am alright. I have had an on and off peace about things, and I also try to just fill my time up with other things, to distract myself from thinking through the realities that are my life right now. But currently, walking the line between the practical and miracle mentalities are so very hard on my heart...

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I never want to limit what God can do, but I don't want to be unrealistic. I don't want to prepare myself for April beating the odds, and then have her not beat them at all. I also don't want this time to be so full of grief and questions and sadness, especially if this really is it.

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I fell asleep last night praying. Well, I think it was a combination of crying and praying myself to sleep. There are decisions to be made in the very immediate future, and everything is just surreal, like my days are just fogs, in so many ways. But I do believe what God says; “You will seek me and find me when you seek with all your heart." I know that truth, in my mind, but I don’t believe I have ever sought with my entire heart before now. It hasn't been necessary. Now it is.

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This morning I got out of bed and went to Church. I will admit here that I really, really did not want to go. The irony is that today's whole service was about thanksgiving and praising God in the storms. Ironic, huh? ... Nah, just God.

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The service was a much needed reminder, both in the spoken word, as well as the stirrings in my heart during the worship. I don't know how many of you are like me, but I sing praise and worship songs all the time. Actually, the last several weeks, it has been quite intentional that I am constantly playing Christian music, so that when I am angry, or laying down or cleaning, or grieving, the words on my lips are the words I do believe, despite the circumstances surrounding me. But I guess when you have mastered the lyrics to Jeremy Camp and Mercy Me and Chris Tomlin, and are just singing the words, you do it without much thought behind it, at least most of the time.

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This morning a simple song got me. "God is so good." - As that line that came up on the big screen this morning, and I stood there looking up at it, I got choked up and my lips stopped moving for a few moments. Inside my head, as everyone around me was singing, I thought, "Really, is He?" ... "Is he so good?" ... "If He was so good, why this?" ... "So good? Come on. Do all these people even believe that?" ... Yeah, I have thoughts like that, and much worse. But for the second verse I forced myself to sing words that were just plainly not my heart (in that moment). Not "forced" as in I "had" to, or that I don't believe the words, but more so, like, right now I am unsure how to sing words such as "God is so good," or "He loves me so" or others similar. I know, head and heart, that God does love me and is so good, but wow is it hard to sing and say those words when I am simultaneously broken and grieving in the way I am.

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I imagine I will be "forcibly" singing songs like I did this morning, for awhile. Maybe it is good though... Maybe it is okay to feel this way and to speak or sing these kinds of words in these times, however "forced." Maybe they can serve more so as a reminder of what I do know and believe in better days, or desire to know, some day. I know God is so good, even if in this moment I do not feel it.

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Anyways, I don't have some great conclusion to all of these ramblings. But, I would ask for continued prayer. I am not sure what is going to happen with my sweet little girl. I don't know what medically is the appropriate route. I don't hear anything from God yet, either way. I just don't know. But either decisions will be made, nature's course will kick in, or God will intervene. In the meantime, my heart and mind are heavy as I weigh options that are harder than I could have ever prepared for.
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He isn't rich, but he's not hard up.

Everyone says he's always had good luck

but he doesn't put his faith in god's of chance,

says he don't believe in coincidence.

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I say, what's up your sleeve? and I check his arm.

He says it ain't magic tricks, it ain't a lucky charm.

He points to the holes in his worn out jeans,

and I see through to calluses on both his knees. And I see what he means...

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He says, it's more than emotion or reciting a prayer.

No eloquence needed. Volume won't get you there.

You can cry on an altar or stir up a feeling,

but if you don't believe it can happen, it won't get past the ceiling...

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