Monday, June 1, 2009

so perfect and deep

I remember the very first time I dreamt that I lost her; it was months ago, and it was the worst dream of my life.
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I remember how I woke up in a cold sweat, and how before that night I had never felt anything close to that. It left me shaken.
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The dream became a recurrent one, and the shaken feeling, did not lessen as the nightmare repeated itself.
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Months ago, my days were spent in total fear. If I didn't feel April move, I freaked out, always prematurely. I was scared... I was anxious... I thought every kick could be her last. And then when her heart rate started to drop, I lost it.
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I of course, was not prepared to meet her, but my mindset was there, in ways. I believed the time was close. I thought a lot about her passing inutero. I dreamt about it. I guess you could as far as saying that I expected it.
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And then, what I did not expect to happen, did.
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Days, weeks, months later, April is sitting pretty in my little belly. Safe... Growing... Alive.
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This morning, as you probably know, I had an appointment to check on my little girl's progress. My progress too.
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Despite my plans to go to bed early after wrapping up this post last night, I was up until the early morning. And then up just a few hours later, for the day. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about the "what if's." - What if I went to the appointment and was told that it was time? What if it wasn't? What if she comes through? What if she doesn't?
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What if?
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I'm sick of "what if's." I want answers. Not more questions. But, more questions it is...
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What we now know: I am measuring 31 weeks. I am still just 3 cm dilated. And the placenta doesn't appear to be aging like it would be if I were a true 41+ weeks (Basically, there is still a very healthy exchange between April and I... Nutrients, blood, etc. This means that my EDD is most likely off a week or so. If I were a true 41+ weeks the exchange would be lessened, and the placenta would appear more aged).
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So, here I am. Here we are. Yes, still. And with more questions and different emotions than I would have thought. - This morning when I heard about the EDD, the placenta, the measurements, etc. I was angry. I didn't expect that emotion to come through. I didn't even know it was in me, regarding this. But, I became angry. Angry that I am still living like this. Angry that nothing seems definitive. Angry that my life right now feels useless. I don't do much. I cry a lot. I'm not myself.
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I know, I know... "Have faith, God is still God." - That is completely true, but it is so tough.
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I want something concrete. I want answers.
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And yet, I don't.
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Because answers are scary.
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But, so is the unknown...
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Those dreams about losing April. The cold sweats. The tracking movements. The fear that every kick I felt would be the last... Well, I haven't thought like that in a long while. I mean, it used to be every day, and now it's nearly never.
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Everything that has happened so far seems to be setting the stage, so to speak, for a miracle. The e-mails from all of you, the encouragement, the faster heart rate, the growth, everything. I realized today that everything has been so positive, that I have barely looked at the negative. And the negative is quite a possibility.
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I was talking to a few friends today, and this topic came up. Ya know, the whole struggle of being realistic vs. being optimistic vs. being negative. It is a balance I am unsure anyone can master. And in regards to spiritual things, specifically, it is very difficult...
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To me, this is the perfect time for God to show Himself. - For God to heal April. For a miracle to occur. It is the perfect time, right? I mean, all of us could watch Him show up... Can you imagine all of the glory He would get? And I (maybe selfishly) think about D, and how a healing miracle could potentially completely change his perspective, and his eternal life. If April was healed, God would get all of the glory. D might come to know Him. And I would get to keep my girl. Perfect, right?
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And all of that thinking, makes me wonder. I think, in a big way it has made me push aside the medical issues that I know, and focus on the possibilities with God, almost exclusively.
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I don't think that is wrong. But then, a day like today comes, and it hits you, that you really may be about to say goodbye. That fear and that uncertainty, and attempting to balance it all against the maybe miracle, is heart breaking, and tonight, that is where I am.
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I am broken.
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I am carrying April, still. Not knowing what will happen next. I have another appointment on Thursday and that one will hopefully bring concrete answers. Though, as much as I say I want them, I don't think I will want them when they come.
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I spent a lot of time in bed today. I thought a lot about the last few months, this "trial," this life I am carrying, my journey, etc. And while I did think about a lot, something that my thoughts kept going back to was when I first became a Christian. A lot of you have actually asked me about my testimony, in some Q and A post opportunities, and while I won't get into all of the details I will share a bit that is on my heart right now...
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That night that I said, "Here I am Lord" wasn't a night complete with cake or fireworks. It was just a night in which I caught a glimpse of God... I saw the verses for more than just words, but promises. Promises from a God who knew me and loved me... And didn't love me despite who I was, but loved me for it. And once I caught that glimpse, I pursued Him.
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Just because I had become a "Christian," didn't mean that things weren't hard anymore. A lot of times things were harder because of my faith, but I had my eyes set on something more than the present... I saw God; the Kingdom of God... Faith, a promised future, hope, joy despite my circumstances, and yes, love. And not just a love full of worldly condition, but a love that was beyond anything I'd ever seen or known before. A love so perfect and deep, it is love's very definition. And it pulled me out of every dark hole I ever fell in.
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I am angry tonight. I am broken. And, I am fearing the very answers that I am desperately seeking. And yet, I have to believe (or just keep telling myself until I fully do) that this dark hole is no different than the ones before. This is God's plan.
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I suppose each of our roads to growing closer to God are different. And I know that God isn't done with me yet. Perhaps, He is asking me to stop questioning... To deny my emotions, my wants, my desires and just be faithful, no matter how hard it hurts. I believe that God does know what we all really need and want, and what He has in store for us will fill our desires 100 times and beyond what ours own desires could.
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I am still a work in progress. We all are.
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What does that show?
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That we are human, and that because of that, we need God. We can't do this life on our own. Or, well, I will speak for myself; I know, I can't do it on my own. But more than that, I have been created by God, for God, in love. And He lives in and through me, and He weeps when I weep.
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And, yes, it does feel horrible at times. But He said that He will never leave me or forsake me, and that nothing and nobody can take me from His hands. And I don't know how all of this works out, but I believe that if I continue to do what He wants me to do, tomorrow will be better. And if tomorrow doesn't seem less painful and alone, than the next day, or maybe the next.
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One thing I do know is that the hurt can't be forever, because this (life) isn't forever, and knowing that promise from Him to me, from Him to you, makes the hardest parts of life a bit easier to bear.

Psalm 42