head held high

This post was retrieved from Bloglines as the cache had been cleared and it couldn't be found via the original blog cache.

Remember when I let you ask away back over here? Well, I read your questions, life happened, and I never got to answering them, aside from ones I have addressed for other reasons in my posts. So today I picked out a bunch to answer and here they are!

There were manyvariations of bothof Michelle's questions!

For starters, yes, both D and I work. He has taken a lot of time off (his work has been incredibly understanding) lately, but had a good amount of vacation time stored up. As for me, I have the luxury of working from home, but more on that later.
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The second part of Michelle's question: No, we do not have a designated room for April.

Because we didn't expect to get to 25 weeks... Then, didn't expect to get to 30, and so on, we just never really planned for the future in those kinds of ways. Just very recently we went out and bought a few basics, as well as a few outfits (sometimes I just can't help myself!), but it is a very hard balance...
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We have received several items from people (blankets, outfits, etc.) like you (thank you!). And so, if a complete miracle comes our way, we will be set for a few days at least! Then, we will be off to Target I suppose.

I guess you could say we are living one day at a time, and while yes, I (and D even more than me) have been tempted to buy bigger items, like furniture, we have not done so at this point.

Not a scrapbook, Jenifer, but, what I ultimately hope to do is turn this blog at some point into a book, like thesehere. I recently saw this site and this is definitely something I will be looking into!

Okay, many questions in one here! I will answer the last 2 and start with the last...

This may sound cliche, but D has grown to be the most patient, kind, loyal, honest, amazing man I've ever had the privilege of knowing. Months ago, I never would have said that, hence the "grown to be," but it is true. What attracted me to him initially? - I will be honest with you. He is hot. Ha. Seriously though, he is one of those rare, gorgeous (he will hate my use of that word in his description!) men and that is what initially drew me in, but his outward attractiveness only scratches his surface.

I have said it before, but D could haveeasilywalked away from this entire situation. Instead, he never left, even when for a while, I was seriously pushing him away. He has walked the hardest road of my life, alongside me and our girl, despite the statistics, the odds, or the fact that he doesn't "owe us" anything. In a word, D is a man. An amazing one, and I am so thankful for him.

As for what I would say, or my message to other single, or unmarried, pregnant women. Sin is sin. I am not minimizing my sexual sin here, but pregnancy is not the sin. Not so long ago I still really struggled with this myself. - The separation of consequence from sin, as well as the ability to be okay in my expanding skin.

Today, I am there. Comfortable and more so, with my head held high. Pregnant and unmarried? - Yes. But, life is always a beautiful gift. Yes, of course, I am a sinner. So are you. Good thing God paid it all on Calvary, huh?

Easy one Jessi. I would want to meet Christ and I would want to ask Him how He could give His life for a sinner such as myself (it is so, so unreal when you really think about it).

I actually have quite the job. In fact, it is exactly what I would want to do, if I could do anything. I plan on letting you all in on some of that, at some point, but not yet. But, to be vague for now, I have a dream job. And no, I am not an author (many of you have e-mailed/commented and asked!), but maybe one day I could write a book. I do also love to write...

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Oh my! No way! I had several people ask me this question and it kind of surprises me! No, D and I do not live together. We never have. And if April is born healed that would not be grounds for D and I to live together either. The only man I will ever live with is my husband.

Good question Molly. One I don't think I have ever addressed in such detail. April has been diagnosed withLobar HPE.Of the more severe degrees of HPE, Lobar is the least severe.

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We do not really have (or need) "extra measures" put in place for the birth due to April's conditions. Really, home birth is safe! (do I sound like a broken record here?) All joking aside, our midwife has delivered other babies who have had a poor prenatal diagnosis, and is very knowledgeable. I feel more confident with her and our birth plan than I would in a hospital.

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Sadly, the most difficult recent part of all of this has been the negativity I have heard from others. I havemuchbetter things to do with my time than defend myself or correct people who think I am a liar, or that April isn't really sick, etc. I think part of why that is so hard for me is because it devalues who April is/her life and as her Momma, I hate that.

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Outside of the blogging world, and personally speaking - The hardest things for me are the (what feels like) millions of unknowns. It is so hard to live each day, completely, totally in His hands, but when you are sincerely walking blind, that is exactly what you have to do. Along this journey, that has been very difficult, but it has also taught me so much. I can say that I havesurrendered, and mean that in every way, these days. It is an excruciating thing, but it is also beautiful.

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The biggest lesson I have learned, specifically through my blogging/online experiences is that God can use anyone.

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I am just a normal girl, who a year ago was living pretty normal life. For some reason this happened to me God chose me. - Proof that God can use anyone, no matter where you have been.

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I think we often think God can only use those "perfect" Christians. Or, at least I used to think that. What I have learned, pretty much overnight, is that there is no such thing as a perfect Christian. I guess I'm finally realizing that nobody has life or God or anything else for that matter figured out. We never arrive or get to a destination or reach a point when we sail smoothly on from there. We are imperfect, and I have said something similar before, but I know personally, I am totally incapable of living life without completing falling on my face.

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Thank God, for God, right?

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I have been completely humbled to get e-mails, comments, prayer requests, etc. Humbled that God is using me and April to bring Him glory. What more could I ask for?

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So, in short - The biggest lesson I have learned in the last few months is that God can use us all. And I think He will, if we really let Him.

Yeah, I agree - Not a lot of modesty. However, yes, D will be right next to me throughout it all. This was something I initially wrestled with, because no, we are not married, dating, etc. But, we are her parents and April's birth may be the most significant event in our girl's life that we experience with her. We do not know what will happen, but we will be welcoming April into this world, together. And, I am not condoning the past, but to be blunt, D's already seen it all folks.

To answer Ali (and others) questions about anonymity, etc. see this post. I explain my thoughts in relative detail.

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Otherwise, just trust me, I have my reasons, and as I have become a little more seasoned in the blogging world over the last few months, I've gotta say - My reasons have doubled, if not tripled!

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Like, I have mentioned, there is an ugly side to blogging (whether you are anonymous or not), and much to my surprise there is a recognition that comes with blogging (whether you want it or not!), that I have witnessed without even putting my full name or picture out there.
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Many people choose to remain anonymous when they blog, or use nicknames in place of their full names, and many of those who do not, wish they would have (I have heard). My blog is highly personal and for now I think, "B" or "April's Mom" should suffice.

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Many questions above, in one, but here goes... Yes, I plan on introducing the world to my April Rose.

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Now, about how I "stay so strong:" Wow, thanks, but most days I don't feel that way at all.

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In a song Angie Smithwrote with the help of a few others, after the loss of her sweet Audrey, she says:"People say that I am brave but I'm not. Truth is I'm barely hanging on." - Those 2 sentences most easily sum up how I feel. I don't feel brave or strong or anything special. I feel like I am barely hanging on, most days. And on the other days, well, my strength comes only from Him.

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Regarding my faith and if I ever get mad at God. Yes, I do. I yell. I cry. I lay around, a lot, and am sad and upset. This is all really hard. But, God has drawn me closer to Him than I have ever been, and while I have my moments, at the end of the day I am His, and I know whatever plans He has for me, for April, even for friends, family, etc. - While I don't understand them, He does. And since He knows me better than I even know myself, I can rest assured in Him, and I do.

Yes, Shelby. That does mean something! At my very last appointment and a record weight gain of 3 lbs (I blame that on the chinese food) I look to be measuring around 30 weeks. I will probably have more accurate details on this topic after my appointment on Monday.

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And, while the growth is awesome. No, it hasn't made the Doctor's rethink much. April's conditions were determined by way of amniocentesis, which is as accurate as you can get. So, no, they are not second-guessing their initial findings, but my midwife is rejoicing with us with the growth.

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We all know miracles can happen, regardless of the tests.

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No, I have not been tested to see if I am a carrier, but am not incredibly worried about this. Our Genetic Counselor has explained to us that recurrence of a Trisomy 13 baby is so, so low; less than 1% in fact.

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If D and I wound up together in the end (aka married) we would want to try to have more children, I am sure. If God did not bless us with biological ones, I would be open to looking into adoption, of course (I personally find adoption a real parallel to the way in which Christ adopted me into His family with the gift of salvation, etc.). But, these things are far down the road and honestly I am not too concerned with a recurrence of another Trisomy diagnosis, because as I have already stated, it is so rare.

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No, Rachel, we didn't have a boy named picked out. We did not name April until the end of March, in large part because we were certain April would be, well, an April baby! Ha! Joke's on us, huh?

Whathaven'tI craved? Ha!

Pre-pregnancy I was an extremely healthy eater (and still strive to be). However my 3 biggest "cravings," to which I have completely given into have been:

1. Beef! (I usually never eat beef. I prefer turkey meat; ground turkey, ground chicken, etc.) These days, though, I am constantly cooking up burgers, tacos, etc. all with beef, beef, beef.

2. Ice Cream... I cannot get enough. I am surprised I have not gained more weight just from the ice cream alone!

3. Watermelon Kool-Aid. Yes, I feel like a kid again.

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Okay, that's all for this edition!