3 (relatively) quick things:
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1. I have mentioned this in "His will Wednesdays" posts, but now is the time to pray extra hard. Amy, a sweet blog reader, has a son, Phillip, who has had over 18 brain operations, a stroke, etc. He is scheduled to have a very serious brain/spine operation tomorrow. Can you please keep this family in your prayers tonight and tomorrow? And if you would like to visit Amy/Phillip's blog click here.
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2. If you are one of those anonymous commenters who set out today to make me miserable, know that you are unwanted here (Yeah... I can be pretty direct!). If you do not like my blog - Stop visiting. This is my blog. This is my Twitter. No, I am not perfect. I will whine, I will complain at times. I will be sad. I will be angry. And this is my place to be any of those things.
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3. If you have a request for this week's "His will Wednesdays" post, please comment below, or e-mail me as soon as you can. There has been a great response to this, and it is good to get a head start when I can! Oh, and I guess technically this is a 4th thing, but if you haven't told me yet who you are, do so here!
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Okay, okay, now onto the post...
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"What God uses He bruises, and what He makes, He first breaks."
.I read this quote this morning, and it made me pause for thought. I wasn't going to even post today, but since reading that quote, I had a change of heart...
.If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen some of my recent updates. - I have been feeling sick... My back hurts (though no more April progress), my heart hurts, and yeah, I am angry too. Let me start at the beginning - Yesterday... Mother's Day.
How many of you are Mom's?
How many of you know someone who has lost a child?
How many of you have lost a little one of your own?
How many of you only wish you could have a child?
This is depressing, yes, I know, but it is true. Mother's Day is not always all balloons and flowers. Mother's Day for me, this year, was way harder than I thought it would be. I actually thought I would be completely fine. Happy even? ... Maybe? ... Oh, my.
Happy I was not.
A few days ago I mentioned here that I could not remember what it was like before I knew of April's conditions. I actually do remember now; I remembered in the sadness of yesterday...
You see, after that paralyzing fear and the breaking of the news to this guy, I was happy. Yes, happy, even in the midst of shame and stares. I felt like I was on the brink of becoming someone (as premature as it may have been, in regards to my place in life) I had always wanted to be; A Mom. And not just a Mom... A Mom to my baby girl.
Could life be more perfect? (well, I guess, if I was married, and didn't have all the junk to deal with, and well, anyways, this post isn't about that!) Regarding April: No, life could not get more perfect. I was going to be a Mom. Oh, the pinks, the dresses, the giggles. I was happy.
Yesterday as I remembered those thoughts and feelings, I began to feel like the source of all of my hopes, and my confidence and dreams were gone. It hit me so hard as I was reminiscing about all those good things, when I remembered (as I forgot for a split-second) that April may not even stay here with me.
Wow..
Happy Mother's Day, huh?
Ick.
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I was thinking this morning about all those on my "His will Wednesday" lists... Especially those who have been battling infertility... Those who have been trying for years to get pregnant but so far, cannot. Those who have lost little ones of their own...
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No, Mother's Day isn't all balloons and flowers.
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Now, I really want to say something here about hope and promise. About His will. But I have done that a time or two before, and those promises of hope? - Well, I'll be the first to say that some days I don't want to hear them, not when the pain runs this deep.
And I would venture to say... The woman who has been trying to conceive for 1 year... 2... 5... She probably doesn't want to hear about hope either - She just wants to have a baby. And that couple who has suffered repeated miscarriages... They don't want to hear God's promises. - They just want to be able to carry a baby to term. And that Mom who lost her son or daughter far too early... She doesn't want to hear they are in a better place... She wants them in her arms.
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I get this. I am there, and this morning was my breaking point.
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The cruelty of this world hit me hard in the face of a comment you wouldn't believe, even if I did share it. It was really bad; just take my word on it.
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Sigh.
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The Mother's Day that was anything but happy... The cruel words... The realities of my situation... The fear and truth that things are close... Probably really close...
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It all hurts.
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And I am trying. I try hard to surrender. But isn't it interesting sometimes how we do it? We say, "I can't, but God can... So, here God, this is how You need to do it."
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Have you done that before?
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Funny, that isn't surrender at all.
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You know, when I really think about this life, none of it really makes too much sense. We live in such a fallen world... The wages of sin... SUCK. And we are left to pick up the pieces of our own fallen lives, the best we can, and just continue the cycle, because, the world just never stops.
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And what I said about surrender is what I catch myself doing at times... I want to tell God (and sometimes do!) - "God you can do this. You can heal my girl. Do it, please (and give me an easy labor too while you are at it... I am scared!)!"
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See, truly being open and okay with God's will has been the single most difficult thing for me throughout this process and I am broken today.
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I know, I know, there is hope. But being fractured is hard.
This morning was hard.
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And then this morning I prayed and read and reflected, and something came to mind, in perfect timing...
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Something that I often can't fathom is that God loves us despite all of our shortcomings, and our days in which our fading picture perfect dreams become larger than Him in our minds. Those days, even when we are faithless, He is faithful. That is who He is. It is all He can be.
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It may seem like a small realization, but I wanted to post it. I get e-mails with prayer requests every day. I am thankful. Prayer is powerful. But wow, this community, this life - There are so many struggles... So much hurt.
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No, our plans for our lives certainly do not always go the way we wish they would, or even ways we can understand. But, I like this... This encourages me... "What God uses He bruises, and what He makes, He first breaks."
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In Christ we have a different purpose. In Him is our true worth. The disappointments of the day... The tragic circumstances... The grief... The fear... The sickness... The anger... Yes, all of those things are very real, but isn't it awesome to really know that in Christ our worth is made known. Our identity is through Him and because of His love and sacrifice we are who we are not because of ourselves, but because of His completed action for you, and for me.
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That gets me every time.
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This is hard. I know days like yesterday were brutal hard for others too. Life is hard. People can be mean. Hearts get broken. But when we are His, He is there, even on the days we don't want Him.
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How undeserving.
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On the cross, Christ deemed "April's Mom" worth dying for. The same applies to you, and you, and you. And no matter what our hurts, God is bigger and He is there, even when we are walking wounded.
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I am learning a little more every day what it means to live a life for Him. I wonder if that is April's purpose. I don't know. But I do know now that He is real and He has plans... Even for that couple who is desperately trying to conceive... For the woman who just wants to be a Mom... For the families who have lost children and just want them back.
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Surrender is so hard. I struggle with it every day. But pray that I will also wake up every day and say... "I can't but God can, so I will let Him..." I will let Him, whatever He has for me. Whatever He has for us.
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Whatever He has... For you...
