A mini update and then some Q and A...
Many have asked, but there really isn't that much of an "April Update." She continues to do well, as far as I can tell... I am checking her heart rate often on a Doppler I have at home, and it remains in the 130's. She is also moving... For several weeks her movements were very infrequent; so much so, that I was pretty nervous some days when I hardly felt her. But now she moves quite a bit, and there is nothing like feeling her.
It really is pretty wild to be nearing 38 weeks! I already feel like we have reached and passed milestones, we just never thought we would get to. God is good.
D and I continue to struggle, naturally. Good news, lots of movement, and a beating little heart are all great, but we remain hesitantly optimistic while enjoying the days and time we have with April now. It is one day at a time, in so many ways. Some days, hour by hour.
I have a lot of thoughts on relationships/D/the Christian response to these situations/what I believe God thinks/etc. but am going to save that for tomorrow... So, if you have ever e-mailed me regarding this topic, or just asked a question in the last day regarding him, us, what our relationship looks like right now, etc. check back tomorrow.
For now, a bit more Q and A, okay?
Okay!
And as a sorta preface to all of this - I didn't answer the questions in my last post here because I felt I had to. I answered because I just want you to know what I am thinking, and I can't get back to every e-mail personally. If you are following our journey, feel free to ask. I can't promise I will answer everything, but some, sure. Okay, okay, now on to some questions... A few much lighter ones!
1. "What are some of your favorites?"
Animal - Monkey (they completely fascinate me)
Food - Chicken Fried Rice
Color - Yellow
Television Shows - American Idol, The Office, The Bachelor, Dancing with the Stars, Survivor. Yes, I am addicted to reality tv.
Genre of Music - I like everything, but am a total sucker for a man who can really play the guitar.
2. "Are your parents Christians?"
Well, I was raised in church, and my parents were always very serious about their faith. Several years ago they left our home church for various reasons and tried doing things on their own. I would say, their endeavour was unsuccessful. They would probably tell you they were fine and that they don't base their faith on their church attendance. Oh, but that is a whole other topic, perhaps some day for a post. I believe they are Christians, yes. But could you tell that from their day to day? No.
3. "Is April's Dad (D) a Christian?"
No. He is not. (and yes, he told me I could write that!)
I would best describe D right now as a seeker. He reads my blog and most (if not all) of your comments. He has been taken back by all of the support and prayers that have been said for us and our little girl.
I will be bold enough to say (Hi D!) that God is working, and I hope he continues to.
4. "When April is born, if there appears to be something wrong that could be "fixed," what will you do?"
This is a tough one.
April's conditions are not ones in which a good outcome is expected. Yes, there are children who live with Holoprosencephaly... Yes, there are children who live with Trisomy 13.
April has been diagnosed with 100% full Trisomy 13, so the disease is, according to tests and Dr.'s all throughout her little body. Now, if the tests are all wrong, as well as the Dr.'s, and April is born without these conditions, but with something else, less serious or "fixable" then, we will of course allow medical intervention for that kind of thing. However, if she is born "as expected" we do not want to go to extreme measures to prolong her life a few minutes. We want our time with her to be peaceful and a time of joy; not one of tubes and pokes and prods.
5. "Do you have a great photographer lined up?"
Yes, we do! She is actually part of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep and is doing a maternity shoot later this week of us and then will come here for the birth.
6. "What am I most afraid of?"
Wow.
I am afraid of it all.
I am afraid of saying goodbye to my daughter, if that is what happens. I am afraid of every single detail that surrounds that. I think a lot about those things. A lot about what that would be like. I think a whole lot about a whole lot no one should ever have to think about.
If there is one thing I am most afraid of, (though this changes daily)I am most afraid of my first night without April (if that does happen).
When you are, in many ways, expecting the worst in a situation such as this, you bond with your child in ways that I believe differ from the average pregnancy. Not to say that people do not bond with their children while they are inutero, but I would venture we have bonded with April in ways other expecting parents just haven't. And if a day comes when she is not here, it will be a loss I cannot imagine. Right now, I fear the first hour, the first night, that first day without my little April Rose. And that is just one of the reasons why I do hope my miracle is His will.
7. "How can you have such faith in this time?"
I have gotten several e-mails and comments regarding "my faith" and how I could possibly trust God like I have throughout this process so far.
I will start with saying, thank you for the "compliments." I would then re-ask your question in my answer... How can I have such faith in this time? - How can I not?
I finally get all of this (a.k.a. - life) in a way I never have before. The thought of losing April has changed me and grown me in my relationship with Christ, in ways that I do not think could ever have happened without this trial. In short, I have been awakened to the true importance of life. My faith and my eternal life has become more important to me than my life on this earth.
My faith is my priority. It is all I see in this. I will probably never know God's true purpose in all of this, but I do see Him working through it and the eternity that I am promised some day will more than make up for all of this pain I'm enduring now. And briefly, that is how I can have the faith I have in this.
Truth is, we are rarely arrested by our blessings, but always by our adversities. We are taught in the joyful times how to react in the mournful times. We run to Christ. And once we're there, and I mean really there, we honestly wonder why we haven't been there all along...
