Well, I am sitting at Starbucks, and I don’t really have much of a post to write. I don’t have any grand topic to discuss. Tonight, I just want to cry. And I don’t even know why. Today was not even bad. Yet, I have sat here in this chair, at this table for 2 hours, easy, hesitant to even start a post, because my thoughts are just all over the place.
Eh, okay. Here I go.
On my mind right now is all the meaning in the moment...
Do you know what I mean? - The argument here... The mean word there... The devastating day last week... The joyous moment 5 minutes ago... All the meaning in those moments, but beyond that, just chapters in your life… Things that are already part of “the past.”
If you follow me on Twitter you may have seen that I had an ultrasound today. Not a fancy 4-D one, but one to check April's growth. Do you remember last week I mentioned I had grown? Well, yesterday at my appointment my midwife thought the same thing, again. So an ultrasound was scheduled for today.
I never know what to expect anymore. I pray for His will, but oh, I want my girl. And, oh, I do fear the unknown. Even these ultrasounds; they are emotional; way more than they probably should be. But every time I see April kicking or waving on a screen in front of me I fear I will never see her do those things again, or see her do them in front of me; not just on a screen.
When I first sat down at this table and my drink was still hot, I was trying to remember what it was like before I knew of April's conditions. Truth is, as hard as I try, I can't remember...
Plans change. Life is uncertain. I am re-defining normal every minute. Thank God, for God. I never realized before all of this how much we need to depend on God... Without Him, I’m nothing. Seriously, who am I for God to want to talk to? And yet He does. He wants time for me. He loves me. He accepts me. And that amazes me.
Yes, life is scary.
April’s ultrasound…
She is growing. Can you believe that?
I can.
At the same time, I can’t.
A few months ago they thought she would be a pound, maybe two. It looks like she is now over 3 lbs. Longer than expected too, according to the measurements today.
I am also 3 cm dilated now. Oh, and 38 weeks, 1 day.
Unreal.
What is happening? What will happen in the next few days? Weeks?
Plans change. Dr.’s don’t know everything. God has the final word.
This life is scary. The unknown - Hard. And wow, preparing for death, and getting excited for life, simultaneously is shattering my heart.
But one thing I just feel that I have to say here – Don’t ever give up on prayer, even if in the moment it seems very difficult to keep praying. Trust me, I have been there. No, actually, wait - I am there.
This is big.
Really big.
But...
So is God.
And He is there for me, and for you, even when we don’t feel Him.
If you are anything like me, you have wondered if God is real... For many of us, I really believe it is the unspoken question of our hearts at times. No, I can’t "prove" anything to you. But in the burning uncertainty, I can tell you that I have come to know and believe one thing is certain.
He is here.
On the sunny days... And during the biggest storms... In the grief... In the joys... In the unanswered questions... In the overwhelming fear...
Even in the nights you find yourself at Starbucks, rain falling outside, crying over a computer screen, feeling your little girl kick, not knowing if the upcoming days or weeks will bring life or death... Yes, even then...
He is there.
Always.
